Social media: Top six attention seeking people on Facebook and Twitter –

Social media: a world-changing phenomenon that has given us the ability to connect with people all over the world in real time, to share our earthly experiences, to bridge the gulfs between our lonely, separate existences, because are we so very different in the end?
Well, for some people. The rest of us just talk about the cute faces our cats make, and how we just brushed our teeth for three whole minutes, phew, and look at this ORGANIC toast I just made with jam and SOME SEEDS. Culinary photography award coming our way.
Everyone knows that one person who plagues the news feed, mining their cache of friends and followers for approval.
If you’re one of the six attention seeking social media offenders below, then rest assured, yes we see you, we hear you, and we will be clicking the ‘unfollow’ button imminently, unless you reciprocate and tell us our cats are adorable and the meals we just instagrammed look delicious, actually, and if there’s any justice in the world we should all be on MasterChef, huzzah.
1. The one who airs their dirty laundry in public
just logged back in 2 SCREAM in frustrashun!!! sum ppl really pick they’re moments #betrayed
— Social Needier (@uokhun) February 20, 2013

You may have seen their passive-aggressive, would-be-vague-but-we-know-who-you’re-really-referring-to comments littering the newsfeed, ‘subtly’ slagging off their colleagues, exes, best friends, and anybody else unlucky enough to know them.
Posts tend to read something like this: ‘Really, today, of all days??? U do surprise me. #soannoyed’. Whatever you do, don’t ask them what the matter is – you’ll get an irritating mysterious answer along the lines of ‘Too upset to talk about it. Tell u over drinks one nite.’ Superbly satirised by @uokhun.
2, The bleeding heart
Posts range from passionate pleas for their followers and friends to ‘do something’ and ‘not turn away’ from the latest war or famine, right through to  demands for death itself to be abolished (‘Why cant every1 live foreva’).
Although strangely enough most such posts don’t come from the frontlines of war-torn Syria but from someone sat on their arse behind their laptop screen, stuffing their face with fair-trade biscuits. #Just doing my bit.
3. The ‘sunshine and rainbows’ one
Every desperately cheery update is accompanied by a picture of a unicorn straddling a rainbow (blatantly photoshopped) or an inane ‘sunshine always follows the rain’ platitude. When we all know that it doesn’t – everything is bad, then it gets worse, then you die. A little realism, please.
4. The sick one
Always ill enough to keep up a constant whining drizzle implicitly fishing for sympathy, but never quite ill enough to actually visit the doctor and get a cure.
If they’ve not got a touch of flu, they’ve got a funny freckle on their back and they just *hope* it isn’t something more serious, or the dog is looking at them funny and they just don’t feel themselves right now, you know?
Top tip: Copy and paste ‘You OK hun?’ onto every sniffling status – time-efficient and just lacking enough in sincerity for them to eventually get the hint.
5. The one obsessed with their pets/babies
We all love seeing pictures of friends’ babies and the occasional funny pet picture (kitten trapped in a blender). But some people go a bit mental, and when my news feed becomes an endless stream of baby food brand comparisons and stool updates, I start to apply the filters.
We get it, you’ve created another human being, which is incredible – but is nothing that follows off-limits? It’s not must-know info that Fred just had his first proper poo, or that Lillie got a special sticker for not bullying (this week). Keep posting the photos, but tell the grandparents the nitty gritty nappy stuff and leave the news feed free for other social media nightmares, like me.
6. The smug engaged one

Ninety updates a day reminding everyone that they’re getting married. Worst offenders make their ring finger their profile picture. Just remind them about all the really dreadful people who’ve managed to get married, like Fred West, then ask them how their new patio is coming along.

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